Witnesses heard woman mumbling something about a sale at Payless
NEW YORK -- Last Saturday night after the sun had gone down on New York City, a creature escaped from her cage at the Coney Island sideshow. The creature is classified as Suzannicus campestratus but is better known as the Eight-Legged woman. Sideshow officials released a statement early Sunday morning saying that "Although she is not considered a serious threat, citizens of New York City are urged to be on the look-out for the Eight-Legged woman and all are advised to be leery of who they allow to join their pick-up soccer games."
No one is quite sure the history of the Eight-Legged woman. It is widely believed that she was born a healthy baby girl to Peter and Mary-Jane Parker. Although it is still a mystery how she came to be the Eight-Legged woman. Some scientists theorized her condition was brought on by consuming trace amounts of New York City's tap water in the early 1980's. But whatever the case, Coney Island's unvieling of the Eight-Legged woman exhibit in 1992 was when she was first introduced to the public. She has since become a extremely popular attraction at Coney Island, where the staff endearingly referred to her as "Suzanne".
Yet, there are still some that would question Suzanne's popularity. A high school student named Annie who has been coming to the Coney Island sideshow for over seven years with her parents said, "I don't know why my parents still drag me to this stupid place. I hated that Spider Woman thing. She was probably the most boring attraction at this freakshow. I mean, what is she even famous for? Being able to perform the entire Rockettes can-can routine by herself? Seriously, the last time I was here she fell down while doing it. If I wanted to pay $5 to see a load of crap like her act, I'd go watch the elephants after lunch-time at Barnum & Bailey. At least then I can enjoy a nice snowcone when I watch that crap fall on the floor."
Suzanne's escape has left many of her good friends at the sideshow scratching their heads. Several carnies have formed a search party to try to bring Suzanne back, but so far there have been no clues as to her whereabouts. She was reportedly last seen with the Invisible Man whose attraction sits next-door to Suzanne's. The Invisible Man could not be reached for comment. However Shelly Forrest, who is in charge of cleaning and maintaining Suzanne's attraction, was reached for an interview.
"Frankly, I'm glad she escaped. She's free now", Shelley said. "Plus, do you have any idea how long it takes to cut her toenails? Cutting them is a full time job. Now I understand how the guys that paint the Golden Gate Bridge must feel. As soon as you're done cutting them it's almost time to cut them again."
But for many of New York City's resident, they will continue to feel uneasy until Suzanne is finally returned to her home on Coney Island. "The mere thought of a woman with eight legs running around New York City is absolutely frightening to me", one man was overheard saying. "My wife only has two legs and I'm terrified of her." On the other hand, her friends back at the sideshow will be perfectly happy if she is never found which would mean her being forced back into captivity. Many of the sideshow attractions we interviewed felt that it is a sort of poetic justice for her to be finally free.
"Personally, I always thought she had a thing for the Invisible Man", Shelly added. "Wait, A--Aren't certain species of female spiders known to devour their partner after mating? Seriously guys, no pun intended, but when was the last time someone saw the Invisible Man."
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